Sad Love - part 4 - SasoDei

WARNING: Sadness/emo-ness/depression/violence/self-injury lies ahead. Please don’t read if you get depressed or triggered easily!
This story also implies yaoi, only read if you like it.

I wake up in the middle of the night, shaking and sweaty and feeling sick. I don’t know why. I never know why. It happens all the time. I guess I have nightmares, but apparently I forget them the moment I wake up. I feel like I’ve been chased, but I don’t remember any pictures right now.
Sasori is sleeping, his arm wrapped around my waist. His head is rested on my shoulder, almost on my chest. I realize only now that I’m lying in my bed, on my back, with a blanket on me. Sasori must have put it there after I fell asleep. We’re both in our everyday clothes. He because he doesn’t have his sleeping clothes with him and me because I was too tired to change them. It felt so good to fall asleep in his arms I didn’t want to get up again.
I feel like throwing up all of a sudden. I feel the urge to jump out of bed and run to the bathroom, but I don’t want to wake Sasori up. I clench my teeth in order to force back the sour bitterness making its way up my throat, and carefully remove Sasori’s arm from my body. I’m finally able to slip out from under the covers and sit up. Maybe too much champagne, I try to persuade myself, but I know it’s not true. I’m not drunk. And I’m not sick. I’m panicking.
I stand up and stumble around in the dark room, swaying on my feet. I hate myself. I’m a wreck. I should be happy, having a person like Sasori sleeping in my bed, but instead I’m freaking out. I enter the bathroom and turn on the water. The ice cold liquid feels good in my face, but I’m still shaking. I stare at the toilet for a few minutes, even though I know I’m actually not going to vomit. Pictures of blood come into my mind, blood dripping down from my wrists, my arms, my eye. No, I won’t do it this time. I try to replace the imaginations with pictures of something else, something good. Sasori. His vibrant red hair as a replacement for the red blood I was thinking about. His sad gray eyes when he saw my scars. His lips on mine. His smell. Him. Just him.
I start to calm down a bit, but I’m still feeling like I can’t breathe. It stinks of clay and alcohol in the bedroom, the air is hot and stifling. I have to get out of here. I quickly open the window and grab a lump of clay from the table beside it. I throw it outside, having already molded it into a figure. Funny. I don’t even have to think about that anymore. The cool air on my skin makes me feel better at once, and I take in a deep breath in order to stop my body from shaking. I quickly perform a hand sign before my little clay bird hits the ground, causing it to increase its size and making it fly up to my window again.

I startle badly when two warm hands wrap around me from behind.
“What are you doing, Deidara-chan?”
Sasori’s voice is shaky, worried, full of fear. I didn’t hear him get up. His grip tightens. He’s trying to pull me away from the window.
I can’t help but chuckle to myself. I may be nuts, but I’m not that desperate.
“I’m not gonna jump, hn.”
He gets aware of the huge clay bird in front of the window and lets go of me. Even if it’s dark, I can see him blush.
“I’m not quite awake yet”, he mumbles and rubs his eyes.
I’ve never seen him that sleepy before. Whenever we were on a mission, he used to go to bed after me and get up before me. I often wondered if he sleeps at all. But obviously he does.
I climb out of the window and jump onto my bird.
“Where are you going?”, Sasori asks.
“Nowhere, hn.”
He gives me a puzzled look. Oh. My. He is more than sleepy.
“Just flying around for a while”, I say, “to calm down.”
I reach out my hand. I never asked someone to come with me so far. I wanted to be alone at night. But with Sasori it’s different. I don’t want to leave him behind. I don’t want to give him the impression I am trying to get away from him. Even though I probably am. He gazes at my hand, slowly escaping his dozy state.
“Come on”, I say, “don’t miss that unique opportunity of a free night flight.”
I bite my tongue at once. I’m being silly again. Why? Why don’t I just say I want him to be near me?
He shakes his head.
“Come back here, Deidara-chan”, he says, “it’s dark outside. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“This one may be blind”, I say and point at my left eye, “but the other one is quite sharp. I won’t get lost. I do this almost every night, hn.”
Come on. Please. Take my hand. Please come with me. Why can’t I say it?

Sasori steps back and mumbles something to himself. I prick my ears.
“Pardon?”
“I’m afraid of heights”, he repeats, his voice a bit angry and still shaky.
Holy shit. I can’t believe that. I never thought Sasori had any weaknesses at all. He is sharp and experienced in battle. He always knows what to do, and he seems to be able to read his opponents’ minds. And he’s never been afraid of anything so far, or at least he didn’t tell.
“It’s fun”, I say, but he looks unimpressed. I really need to go now, and I don’t want to leave him behind.
“No adventurous maneuvers”, I promise, “just floating through the sky.
I know I shouldn’t be laughing at him, but I feel like it. I can’t believe he’s afraid of something that is one of my greatest hobbies, flying. It feels so good to be up there, high upon everything else. I’m sure he’ll like it.
I’m still reaching out my arm towards him. It’s only three words. Why the hell can’t I say them?
“Please”, I say, but the other words won’t come out.
Sasori eyes the bird suspiciously. He should know it doesn’t break easily, as long as I don’t want it to. He should know I won’t destroy the bird as long as I’m on it. And as long as he’s on it, of course.
I’m almost choking on the three words stuck in my throat. Why is it so hard to say them?
“Please”, I start another try, and finally succeed, “trust me.”
Yatta. Not that hard, after all.
Sasori lifts his head and clasps my hand, then climbs out of the window with trembling legs. I tug his arm before he can look down and pull him close to me, his body crashing against mine when he involuntarily lands on the bird’s back. I look into his eyes. They are flickering with fear.
“I’ve never done this before”, he says.
“You’ll like it”, I say, “I promise, hn.”
“You’re not going to run out of chakra while in mid-air, will you?”, he whispers.
“Have you ever seen one of my birds crash?”, I ask.
“Yes”, he replies, his eyes widened with fear.
Ouch. I should choose the right words. Actually, he has seen them crash several times. But it had always to do with annoying enemies that caught me in the air because I was acting reckless, not because I ran out of chakra. I don’t need a lot of it to control them. I don’t even have to think about that anymore.
I feel the urge to slap myself.
“It won’t crash this time”, I say with clenched teeth.
I don’t want him to be afraid. He made me feel so comfortable last night. I want to return the favor.

I run my fingers through his red hair and carefully bring our lips together, not sure if that is okay with him right now. But he returns the kiss, slowly entering my mouth with his hot tongue, wrapping his arms around me. I focus my chakra while we are kissing, and the bird flaps its wings and soars into the sky.

We break away from each other. I sit down on the bird’s back and pull Sasori down as well. I’m used to fly around on, but he isn’t, and it’s much easier to hold your balance when sitting. My hair is blowing in the wind, I forgot to tie it back before leaving. It’s cold up here, as usual. Sasori runs his fingers along the bird’s back with curiosity. I know how it feels. Cold and even and hard, but still flexible. Otherwise it couldn’t move its wings and tail in the air, and I couldn’t blow it up that easily afterwards.
I wish Sasori would use his fingers to touch me, but he keeps poking the clay bird. His other hand is clutching mine as he peeks over the edge and looks down. The village is in silence. Only a few people can be seen down there. Probably night owls like me, or guardians. But most of the villagers are sleeping right now. I like to watch the village at night. Everything seems so peaceful. It’s weird, I usually like bangs and noise, but the silence at night makes me feel good as well.
Sasori’s grip loosens and his eyes wander across the houses and trees below us with fascination.
“Not that bad, is it, hn?”, I ask.
“No”, he says and turns his head, “I actually like it.”
He smiles at me, and I smile back. I’m so glad he likes it. My panic has vanished almost completely. I rest my head against Sasori’s shoulder and breathe in his smell again. Strawberries. Kind of. Just good. Relaxing.
“How high can this thing go?”, he asks.
He’s fully awake now, and inquisitive.
“As high as you want”, I say and lift my head.
Sasori doesn’t seem to be afraid at all, so I perform a hand sign to focus more chakra, and the birds goes up quickly. Five feet. Fifteen. Thirty. Fifty, and he still seems to like it.
“You aren’t afraid of heights at all, hn”, I say.
“I am”, Sasori affirms, “but not with you at my side.”
I feel that I’m blushing again. I want to squeeze him for that comment, but I’m too shy again. It’s weird. We were so close yesterday, but now I don’t dare to touch him. Even though I know he wouldn’t, I’m afraid he could push me away.
I let go of his hand, and he gives me a puzzled look.
“What’s the matter?”, he asks, his eyes wandering over my face in search for an answer.
“I’m no good for you”, I whisper.

I don’t know where this came from. I know it’s not true. He told me just a minute ago that he is feeling comfortable with me at his side. My heart has already understood he loves me, but my head hasn’t.
“Ah, shut up already.”
His voice isn’t harsh, but gentle and calm when he says it. He pulls me close to him and squeezes me, his other hand pressing my head to his shoulder gently but firmly. He starts stroking my neck and I close my eyes. His fingers feel so good on my skin.
“Eh, don’t fall asleep”, he yells and pokes my side, “we’re still in the air!”
“I’m not falling asleep”, I chuckle and open my eyes again.
It’s way too cold to fall asleep. I’m tempted to make the bird fall down for a second, just to tease him, but I don’t. I promised not to do any maneuvers. I wonder why I feel like teasing him, after he’s been so kind with me. I’m just stupid and childish and nuts.
“Who keeps telling you you’re no good?”, Sasori asks.
“The voices in my head”, I whisper.
It’s the truth. Nobody is actually telling me I’m stupid, or useless, or bad. Nobody but me myself.
Sasori raises his arm and starts to poke my forehead.
“Eh, you stupid voices”, he says, “leave my Dei-chan alone.”
I have to laugh. He is so cute. And he really wants me to feel better. I finally wrap my arms around him, not feeling afraid to touch him anymore.
“I’m serious”, he continues, but with a slightly playful expression on his face, “you’re the most precious person to me, no matter what your stupid inner voices say. Just let them talk and don’t listen to them.”
I snuggle up to Sasori and give him a little kiss on the cheek. For the moment, the voices in my head are quiet. But I know from experience that it will be a tough job to shut them up completely.